Day 3: When Will It Get Easier?

I've been in NYC for 3 days now. The pain I have felt has been so intense. On Monday, I literally was sick to my stomach as I walked through security at the airport. I have spent my days and nights debating if I'm doing the right thing. It would be so easy to walk away and get on a plane and just return to my old life. I feel like I'm waiting for my life start at this point. I have worked for a year, but I lived at home, so I didn't really get a sense of "the real world." Then I started dating Harrison and we became engaged almost 7 months later. We started building a life for ourselves. We started making plans for our house. We got engagement and wedding gifts to help build our future. All of a sudden I had this life snatched from me. I'm alone in a HUGE city (one which I have honestly loved going to for years) without my support system with me. This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done. To quote a fave reality star, Bethenny Frankel, "We make plans and God laughs." I had my life laid out. Graduate on time from Undergrad, work for a year to gain experiences, then go off to the Grad school of my dreams. In all these dreams I had hoped I would find someone to love, but I knew my track record of not being able to let my walls down and succeed in a relationship. I did not expect to fall so completely head over heels in love with the boy (almost) next door. I did though. I fell hard and fast. I didn't know I could give or receive love the way I can with Harrison. He literally completed me. All the while, I knew I couldn't work at the school I was working at any longer than a year. I had to go to grad school. "It's only 9 months," I said to Harrison as I told him of the plan. We can do anything for 9 months. Life moved on and we got more and more serious. A day without seeing him ripped me up inside. My life literally revolved around him as I realized more and more that this thing we had going on was going to last for the long haul. We went on trips together. We could sit in complete silence and have a great time. When he laughs, I laugh. When he cries, I cry. We don't fight, but we sometimes disagree. Leaving to go on our Caribbean Cruise made me so happy because we would have 7 whole days together without anyone bothering us and without any work. LIttle did I know that this cruise would change my life forever. When Harrison proposed to me on the back of that ship, I knew my life was about to truly begin. I had the man that I loved and he loved me back. Wedding plans started quick. I was leaving in a few months, I had to nail it down. The summer passed with two trips that tested my ability to be away from him. I failed miserably at being away 5 days and then 7 days. A whole freaking month?? This seems impossible. LIke everything in my life, I have researched beyond belief. How have other couples survived their separation? How did my parents do it when they only had letters and an occasional phone call? I heard some many stories of success. The truth is, I was never worried about he and I remaining together and in love. I worried about myself and how I could handle to stress of being away from him combined with the stress of an intense class load, AND plan a wedding? What the hell did I get myself into? I spent much of August in a pile of misery, just knowing I would leave this wonderful life behind for a while. And then the day came. I had to leave. I don't think I have cried that much EVER. For a week, anything and everything made me cry. Monday was a whole different experience, where I don't think I ever fully stopped crying. Now I'm here in my hot, small dorm. I miss Harrison and my parents and everyone else like crazy. The days are long and the idea of being here is completely daunting. I know how many people are proud of me, but I still have doubts beyond belief. I hope to get into more of a routine, which I keep hearing will may the time pass quicker. I savor every single piece of contact I have with EVERYONE! I'm beginning a scary phase, but with their love and support I think I might be able to make it.